Cage’s beating his head against the wall reminds me of Patrick Modiano’s Nobel-Prize acceptance speech, which I think about any day I’m having a tough day writing:
“Writing is a strange and solitary activity. There are dispiriting times when you start working on the first few pages of a novel. Every day, you have the feeling you are on the wrong track. This creates a strong urge to go back and follow a different path. It is important not to give in to this urge, but to keep going. It is a little like driving a car at night, in winter, on ice, with zero visibility. You have no choice, you cannot go into reverse, you must keep going forward while telling yourself that all will be well when the road becomes more stable and the fog lifts.”
Oh I love this one! Doctorow has a similar quote: “Writing is like driving at night in the fog. You can only see as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.” This confident pronouncement aways left me feeling discouraged by my discouragement-- if I were a TRUE artist, surely I would enjoy the fog...
I recently drove home at night on an unlit, winding, and narrow mountain road I had never been on before, and I realized all I needed to do was "follow the road". The path was there, cleared and available, if a bit snowy with hairpin turns every quarter mile, but it was there and ready for my car. "Just follow the road" became a mantra all the way down the mountain. Thank you for this quote! I'll now imagine that road and this speech when I am dispirited.
Your comment here, Paul, sent me down what I thought was a tributary on the river I’ve been traveling my whole life. I’m deeply grateful for the pointer to Modiano’s speech. I’m putting together a post where I’m attempting to synthesize what happened in my head reading Cage’s confession of his head-banging path, Mason‘s firecracker response, and Modiano‘s description of his creative path.
It turns out this is a forked river I’ve been traveling for my whole creative life. There’s a fork on which I paddle along, denying that I live a life banging my head on “structure.“ And then there’s a fork where I don’t deny it … and I persist and persist and persist. And sometimes I call out for help … and get it. But the help appears only when I’m willing to learn something new about “structure.“ God bless you for your comments here.
Substack is becoming an essential part of my lifelong learning process.
I'm writing my third book now and I'll tell you: This is EXACTLY the right approach. You have to just keep writing. A lot of times, and for a lot of authors, the ONLY way to assess whether the story is working is to look at it in full. A lot of times I have to get the whole story down to even realize what sort of story I aim to tell.
It's like what Rilke wrote, "Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final."
It is the same with spiritual awakening. You spend your life beating your head against this separation wall between you and the Divine. The difference is that, in the end, you discover the wall was illusory; you and God are one, and you could have seen this if you'd only stopped beating your head against the wall and noticed the wall was in your head.
That defeats the whole point. Don't take my word for it. Don't take anyone's word for it. See what is so for yourself. Look, Mason, I'm just pushing the wall here. I love your essay.
One of my violin students was shocked to learn that I didn’t “spend the whole day playing concerts and teaching violin.” She asked what I “was actually doing” with all my time, and was horrified to learn that I don’t get paid for sending emails, fixing my schedule, booking travel and finding work etc. In all honesty, I didn’t expect life to be like this either…
This quote by Mark Manson relates well to John Cage's headbanging.
"Who you are is defined by what you're willing to struggle for."
As an artist, defining myself as a struggler is a different journey from "I'm going to be a doctor, a financial planner, or a plumber." I would say, "I am an artist." But inside, I would wonder...huh?? What have you DONE to prove you are??? Only as a middle-aged woman am I willing to look around and at myself in a bigger context and say, "Hmph, stick with it, Mare. You've been making this artist journey for a long time, and you seem to have a high tolerance for the pain of not knowing, not being linear, and not looking significant to the "valuers of linear-looking."
Yes, well said! Doctors and financial planners, etc. have well-defined career paths and can expect a reasonable level of institutional and collegial support. Artists have to figure it all out for themselves, while also frequently being treated like doofuses or kooks. Oh well!
To you and your book, GOOD NIGHT! Excited to see what this creation is and in the meantime will be banging my head against my own walls (drawing hands, painting watercolor night scenes, and writing dialogue) and cheering you on for your own. Love this community and your writing, thank you for creating and sharing your gift with us all.
John Cage performed at UCSB while I attended. I don't remember why I was in the audience, but I did take a music appreciation class my freshman year. I really did not "get" him then; his so called "music" sounded like electronic groans that did not resemble music as I perceived it. I was bored and was probably reading a textbook.
Cage’s beating his head against the wall reminds me of Patrick Modiano’s Nobel-Prize acceptance speech, which I think about any day I’m having a tough day writing:
“Writing is a strange and solitary activity. There are dispiriting times when you start working on the first few pages of a novel. Every day, you have the feeling you are on the wrong track. This creates a strong urge to go back and follow a different path. It is important not to give in to this urge, but to keep going. It is a little like driving a car at night, in winter, on ice, with zero visibility. You have no choice, you cannot go into reverse, you must keep going forward while telling yourself that all will be well when the road becomes more stable and the fog lifts.”
Oh I love this one! Doctorow has a similar quote: “Writing is like driving at night in the fog. You can only see as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.” This confident pronouncement aways left me feeling discouraged by my discouragement-- if I were a TRUE artist, surely I would enjoy the fog...
Doctorow's the best.
Oh, yes, this is it exactly! Need to go read the full speech — thank you.
I recently drove home at night on an unlit, winding, and narrow mountain road I had never been on before, and I realized all I needed to do was "follow the road". The path was there, cleared and available, if a bit snowy with hairpin turns every quarter mile, but it was there and ready for my car. "Just follow the road" became a mantra all the way down the mountain. Thank you for this quote! I'll now imagine that road and this speech when I am dispirited.
Your comment here, Paul, sent me down what I thought was a tributary on the river I’ve been traveling my whole life. I’m deeply grateful for the pointer to Modiano’s speech. I’m putting together a post where I’m attempting to synthesize what happened in my head reading Cage’s confession of his head-banging path, Mason‘s firecracker response, and Modiano‘s description of his creative path.
It turns out this is a forked river I’ve been traveling for my whole creative life. There’s a fork on which I paddle along, denying that I live a life banging my head on “structure.“ And then there’s a fork where I don’t deny it … and I persist and persist and persist. And sometimes I call out for help … and get it. But the help appears only when I’m willing to learn something new about “structure.“ God bless you for your comments here.
Substack is becoming an essential part of my lifelong learning process.
YES, indeed!!
I'm writing my third book now and I'll tell you: This is EXACTLY the right approach. You have to just keep writing. A lot of times, and for a lot of authors, the ONLY way to assess whether the story is working is to look at it in full. A lot of times I have to get the whole story down to even realize what sort of story I aim to tell.
It's like what Rilke wrote, "Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final."
Amen to that.
It is the same with spiritual awakening. You spend your life beating your head against this separation wall between you and the Divine. The difference is that, in the end, you discover the wall was illusory; you and God are one, and you could have seen this if you'd only stopped beating your head against the wall and noticed the wall was in your head.
I guess I'll have to take your word for it!
That defeats the whole point. Don't take my word for it. Don't take anyone's word for it. See what is so for yourself. Look, Mason, I'm just pushing the wall here. I love your essay.
Currently beating my head against the wall.
Don't stop, I love your writing!
Congrats on the anniversary. You beating your head against the wall helps the rest of us beat ours against ours. 😉
Thanks so much, Laura!
One of my violin students was shocked to learn that I didn’t “spend the whole day playing concerts and teaching violin.” She asked what I “was actually doing” with all my time, and was horrified to learn that I don’t get paid for sending emails, fixing my schedule, booking travel and finding work etc. In all honesty, I didn’t expect life to be like this either…
Happy 5th birthday!
Thank you for always reminding us that this is hard, which keeps me coming back, and often helps me find courage. 🫶
Thank you for saying that, Shelley! 🙏
This quote by Mark Manson relates well to John Cage's headbanging.
"Who you are is defined by what you're willing to struggle for."
As an artist, defining myself as a struggler is a different journey from "I'm going to be a doctor, a financial planner, or a plumber." I would say, "I am an artist." But inside, I would wonder...huh?? What have you DONE to prove you are??? Only as a middle-aged woman am I willing to look around and at myself in a bigger context and say, "Hmph, stick with it, Mare. You've been making this artist journey for a long time, and you seem to have a high tolerance for the pain of not knowing, not being linear, and not looking significant to the "valuers of linear-looking."
Yes, well said! Doctors and financial planners, etc. have well-defined career paths and can expect a reasonable level of institutional and collegial support. Artists have to figure it all out for themselves, while also frequently being treated like doofuses or kooks. Oh well!
Dammit, Mason! You cut right to the chase!!! Thank you.
That’s such a good description, Mason, thank you for sharing it! And I love his “everything works out to something” too.
Thanks, Cally, I love that quote too.
Congrats on the anniversary. You beating your head against the wall helps the rest of us beat ours against ours. 😉
To you and your book, GOOD NIGHT! Excited to see what this creation is and in the meantime will be banging my head against my own walls (drawing hands, painting watercolor night scenes, and writing dialogue) and cheering you on for your own. Love this community and your writing, thank you for creating and sharing your gift with us all.
Thank you, Allison, that means a lot! Looking forward to sharing more about the book soon.
This is a gooder. Happy Anniversary Mason, and welcome back!
John Cage performed at UCSB while I attended. I don't remember why I was in the audience, but I did take a music appreciation class my freshman year. I really did not "get" him then; his so called "music" sounded like electronic groans that did not resemble music as I perceived it. I was bored and was probably reading a textbook.
Ah, how lucky to get to see him regardless!
Love this! And so happy to see you in my inbox this morning. Routing for you and the final stage of the book 📖!!
Thank you, Sabrina, so appreciate it!
Another book, how exciting!! I have enjoyed your first two books very much.
Oh, thank you! Coming late March 2026.
Awesome! Great to know and HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!